Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't
by KleioVerity
Summary: (Alternative endings to "Hellmouths are for Lovers") "Look, your princess is in another castle, and that's where she is going to stay... so know this— if you rip Buffy out again, she's out. Permanently. Forever." Zachariah forces Dean to make an impossible choice.
1. The Impossible Choice

_While these are some remarkable characters I would love to take credit for, I don't own them-I just like playing God with them._

A/N: Thanks again to anyone who followed and reviewed "Hellmouths are for Lovers". Here are two alternative endings I debated over using in the original story. But, even though I decided against it, they were too perfectly _Whedonesque_ to not use somehow. Even if you have not read the original, they could still work as stand alones, but it will make a lot more sense, and be SO MUCH MORE HEART WRENCHING if you read HafL. The following scenes take place right after Sam kills Buffy at St. Mary's and Castiel, too weak to get everyone to safety if he resurrects Buffy, blinks them to the Bunker. Enjoy, and please review.

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It was over, and Dean should have been able to take comfort in that. The burden of the Slayer was laden with loneliness and guilt and sacrifice—far more than _one girl in all the world_ should ever be asked to carry. Wringing his hands just to have something for them to do besides bludgeoning Castiel or the nearest available wall, sitting in the semi-darkness of the Bunker, Dean's eyes never left the broken, lifeless body that was laid out on the table in front of him. He wanted to take comfort in the fact that she must be in Heaven, but under the circumstances, that was the worst place she could possibly be right now.

He had been processing all the possible plans they could execute. He was convinced there was some way to resurrect her that did not involve bargains with demons or favors from Angels. Willow had done it before after all, but the summoning object they needed had been destroyed in the process. While the others toiled away in the Bunker library—Willow had practically had an orgasm when she saw it— researching, experimenting, and calling in favors, Dean felt the best thing he could do was to stay out of the way.

"You know what I love about you… well, all humans really?" The last voice Dean wanted to hear right now reverberated throughout the room, the speaker just out of his sight, "You're as predictable as a prime time sitcoms. You fall into patterns, making the same bad decisions over and over and over, even when you know better. It's adorable."

Dean was overly fucking tired of the sound of this douchebag's voice.

"It's that headstrong, do or die attitude that I find so endearing about you, Deano."

Stepping out of the shadows, Zachariah moved to the table, circling Buffy, running a finger along Buffy's exposed arm. The bastard.

"But, do you really think that's a coincedence? A random happenstance that you feel this unrelenting burden to carry the world on your shoulders? To take up upon yourself to fix mistakes? To sacrifice yourself to spare the pain of others?"

He wasn't really listening anymore—he was hoping if he concentrated hard enough, Zachariah's head would spontaneously combust.

No dice.

"That's all by design, Dean. We built you to be the perfect vessel," Zach's face contorted, twirling a length of Buffy's long blonde hair around his finger.

"Get your hands off my girl," Dean growled, his burgeoning anger making him unable to bite his tongue any longer.

Zach dropped the strand, "Unfortunately, there's that nasty technical glitch concerning your hang up with collateral damage," spreading his hands wide to emphasize Buffy.

"Technical glitch…You mean my humanity? The one thing that I got that you don't—that God denied you," Dean sneered, "Damn, it's gotta make your blood boil to know we're His favorites."

"Do you honestly think if God gave two ethereal shits about anything or anyone, he would be a bystanding while his progeny destroyed each other?" Zach raised a brow, "The only thing God made in His image were absentee fathers… but, you know that better than anyone, don't you, Dean?"

"You already know my answer, so can we skip to the part where you fuck right off?"

"You've got balls, kid. I'll give you that much, but look…" Zach approached, hands up in surrender, "All this macho posturing—it's getting exhausting. So, I'm going to make this real simple— there are only two ways you're going to see Buffy ever again, and the only one that ends happy for everyone is the one where you say yes to Michael."

"See, I'm starting to think either your brain damaged, or just bad with short term memory, so maybe you better pull my file: I don't do ultimatums."

"It's not an ultimatum, Dean. It's a warning."

"Funny how to you dicks _warnings_ sound a lot like _threats_."

"Look, your princess is in another castle, and that's where she is going to stay. So, if you say yes, you get to spend the big happy with your soul mate in Heaven. But, the only way she is ever going to leave Heaven is if you get her out. Now, experience tells me you already got the minions working on that, so know this— if you rip Buffy out again, she's out. Permanently. Forever."

"Bullshit!" Dean shouted, even though he felt his stomach lurch, "You might be Top Dick in Heaven, but you don't have that power."

"Try me," Zach's smarmy smile made Dean feel greasy, "I don't care if she bites it saving a bus full of puppies and Special Needs kids being driven by the Pope. If you get her out, she's headed South when she finally punches out, end of story."

"Well," Dean sighed, unsheathing Castiel's Angel sword from inside his jacket, "I guess that just gives me one more reason to gank your ass."

"Doesn't matter if I'm alive or not, Dean. She's already on the no-fly list, and I have a legion of loyal Angels who will follow my command even after my death," Zach took a seat on the edge of the table next to Buffy directly in Dean's field of vision, "So, if your plan is to resurrect her, more power to you. I'll even tell you a spell that works in a pinch. But, do it knowing that getting back your girlfriend means condemning her soul to hell… that is, unless, you come to your senses and realize it's time to accept your _real_ destiny."

It was an impossible choice, and to be honest it tore at Dean. He felt the sword go a slack in his hand, and his eyes dropped to the floor. His entire life he had operated under the approach that there was always another way—a way to fix a mistake, a way to save everybody, a way to make a wrong right even if that meant it came at a cost of his own life. As much as he hated to admit it, Zach was right about that, but at least he knew in his heart that was not because he was made to be Michael's vessel—it was because he had been designed to be the Slayer's champion. That was his real destiny. All he had to do was bring her back, and if she slammed the Gates shut, she could never end up in hell… right? Would she end up trapped in Purgatory? Would she end up somewhere worse?

Zachariah had him backed into a corner.

"This is the last time I'm going to ask, Dean. So, what's your final answer?"


	2. Damned if You Do

A/N: This is turning into kind of a character study. As fans, we always want them to make the "right" choice. The one where they get the girl or say what the feel or whatever move we desperately pine for, despite the fact it is out of character, and usually ends up being the wrong choice. So, this is my version of them making the choice we all kind of wanted them to make, and the karmic retributions of that choice. So in essence, this could be called "_When Fangirls Get Their Way_, by Joss Whedon". Read 'em, and weep.

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**ENDING ONE- Damned if You Do**

The words hung in the air like they were just waiting for Dean to reach out and take them. Rejected from heaven, forbidden to ever return—what would be her reward for shutting the Gates? The Fates had to be able to override that. Shutting the Gates meant nothing out, but it could also mean nothing in. Although, if Hell was closed for business, where would all the murderers and rapists and politicians go in the end? Just because demons would not be wreaking havoc upstairs did not mean the world was going to turn in Mister Roger's-fucking-Neighborhood. He had already seen what closing the Gates would to cost her, and he knew it was a price she was willing to pay, but he needed to know where she was going to spend the eternity that followed. Eventually, all those consequences he had managed to skirt up to this point in his life were going to catch up with him, and this seemed like a perfectly devious way of how making that happen. If that cost Buffy the eternal peace she deserved for her tour of duty as the Slayer, he could not live with himself in this life or afterwards.

His mind raced— there was a loophole, he convinced himself. There was always a fucking loophole—an amulet, a spell, a weapon of legend… he just had to find it and exploit the hell out it… he just had too…

…he just had to stop thinking like this. This- the endless reeling of his mind from trying to conceive every possibility and how to avoid the bad ones—that was what was really exhausting. He just wanted it to be done. Was this world really worth all this torture? She _was_ safe, and she _was_ done. Why didn't he deserve the same? The world could figure out its own shit for once.

"Okay, you need my meat... but, what happens to me," Dean pointed to his temple to indicate he meant his subconscious or his soul or whatever he believed was the essence of made him uniquely Dean, "What happens to my busted ass when Michael's done with his grudge match?"

"All you have to do is say yes, and you get an immediate first class, one way trip up to own personal paradise," Zach tilted his head, "No hanging around for all that tedious emotional trauma."

"Yeah, and what about Sam?" Dean snorted, "I'm not the only variable in this fucked up equation. You need him to say yes to Lucifer just as much as you need me, so what about him?"

"Man, you drive a hard bargain, Dean, "Zach rolled his eyes, sighing heavily, "Tell ya what—say yes, and the minute little brother makes good on his end of the bargain, he's movin' on up."

Zachariah was right. They could all be done, and into happy sunsets walk. Everybody wins. Everyone, except the poor, unfortunate saps left on Earth who would either end up as the collateral damage, or worse, the unlucky ones who would survive and have to clean up the mess, trying to build another world out of the ashes of the previous. The selfish part of him that just wanted to jump on this opportunity for self-preservation kept telling him to ignore them, forget them. He had spent his entire life protecting them, and so had Sam. None of them more so than Buffy. So, that had to justify it.

The urge to deny Zach was building inside again, and this entire thought process was fighting against his better judgment. Then, a dark thought struck him that he had yet to realize. If Zach could keep Buffy out, he could keep him out too as punishment for his willfulness. If they could not find a way to get Buffy out, he would never see her again. That moment of weakness was all it took, and when he saw her in his mind's eye it was already too late.

"Yes."

The image of Buffy's smile in his head forced the words to come crashing out before he could come to his senses. It was soft, under his breath, but he had clearly said it. The second it registered he immediately lamented it.

_You stupid, selfish son of a bitch_, Bobby would curse.

_Typical_, his father would scoff.

Sam would say nothing, and the look of betrayal on his face would say everything.

Rubbing his hands together, wearing his toad-like grin that Dean wanted to sucker punch off his face, Zach took slow strides toward Dean.

"Come again Dean?" Zach smiled, holding his ear like he was straining to hear him.

"You heard me," Dean snarled.

"Once more, just for the record."

"I. Said. Yes… you flying dick."

"That," Zach swooned melodramatically, "is the sweetest sound I've ever heard."

"The sound of your own voice?"

"The sound of a Winchester's breaking resolve," raising his hand, Zach's index and middle finger hovered over the bridge of Dean's nose, "Pleasure doing business with you, Deano. Give my love to the slayer."


	3. How Could You?

A/N: Brace yourselves, lads.

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**ENDING ONE- How Could You?**

No. This was a trick. She laughed nervously, and shook her head. He wouldn't.

The two-way mirror and the gilded room where she had been trapped, where she had just watched Dean make the worst decision of his life, vanished. She refused to believe it was real. He would never say yes. He would never let them win. Not even for her. But, when the world remerged, it was an empty white infinity, like a blank canvas waiting to be painted with eternity—whatever their hearts desired. When her eyes fell upon him standing before her, she knew it was all too painfully real.

"Buffy," he came towards her, relief painted across his face, arms outstretched to embrace her.

Jutting her hand out into his chest, halting his approach, she swallowed a dry gulp of anger, "How could you?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb."

It took a minute for him to catch up, but eventually Dean realized Buffy knew what he had done. He should have known Zach would have taken some sick pleasure in forcing her to watch.

"That bastard…"

"You sign over your rights to the angel who wants to destroy the world over some intense sibling rivalry, and you have the nerve to call him the bastard?"

"What was the alternative? Never see you again, or yank your ass out and condemn you to hell?"

"How about letting me go? Did that thought ever cross your mind?"

"Let you go?" he snorted, starring at her, struggling to find the words, "I did this for you," his voice dropped out at the end, "for us."

"Well, I don't want it."

"You've got to be kidding me… Do you hear yourself right now?" Dean raked his hand through his hair angrily, "After everything we have ever lost, you're mad at me for taking advantage of the one opportunity the universe ever gave me to get out on good terms? I thought we deserved a little reward for everything we lost for the sake of always doing the right thing."

"I don't even know where the hell this is coming from! Since when did we ever do our jobs for the _reward?_"

"Why did it ever have to be _our_ job?"

"I don't know, Dean. Another one of those unanswerable, mystery of the universe questions, I guess," Buffy barked, "Like, why did I have to be tethered to an insufferable jackass?"

"This is my heaven?" Dean threw up his hands, "I get to spend eternity taming the shrew."

"No, actually, you don't," her voice was flat and matter of fact. It unnerved him how calm and confident she was when she said it, "We could have been great. We could have changed everything."

"We were great. You saw that, Buffy. We can have that here," Dean tried to reassure her, taking her by the shoulders, voice and eyes pleading with her to see reason, "This was our out, and I took it. Now everything can be like it was supposed to be."

"Well, this is my out," Buffy slipped out from under his hands, "I made choices that were hard, and I gave things up that I thought it would kill me to lose," taking slow, backwards steps she moved away from him, "After I saw heaven, I tried to focus on the fact that those sacrifices were all worth it because I knew what was coming down the line…" her voice trailed off, "Castiel asked me what my heaven would look like now, and as I was facing death it was the fight that brought me comfort. My heaven is fighting alongside the bravest man I ever knew..." her voice hitched, "… so I can't spend my eternity with a coward."

She would have never believed that tears were possible in Heaven. Fear contorted Dean's face, and he reached out toward her desperately. The light around tem dimmed, and the infinity became a dull gray.

"Even if it was only in my head…"

A thin line drew itself on the ground dividing them, like a strip of the ground was falling away.

"Buffy!?"

"…I loved you."

The line illuminated with white light.

"No. No! Buffy!"

"Goodbye, Dean Winchester."

It was like pealing back a strip of tape to reveal painted over eternity. In one fluid swipe their heaven was ripped in two, and they were separated forever. The emptiness solidified and Dean found himself surrounded by four closed walls.

"BUFFY!" Dean screamed, balling his hands into fists, pounding on the wall that prevented him from reaching her.

His lungs tightened, and his brain burned with sharp, searing pressure. No! It wasn't supposed to be like this! He did this so they could finally be together, the Fates had intended. He did this for her! This was their reward. Now she was gone. He fell against the wall, her name still leaving his lips in grief stricken whispers. Opening his balled fist to lie flat against the surface, his palm groped at the wall in a pathetic attempt to touch her again.

Against everything he had ever believed, he had given in to spend eternity with his soul mate. He had given up everything… and, now he would never see her again.

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A/N: That. Just. Happened. And, it came out of me, and once it started it just would not stop. It's a little terrifying, and kind of breathtaking. I did not know I had that kind of darkness inside of me. Scary, that.


End file.
